For the Love of a Daughter....

You know, I don't want sympathy or any advice because you can't give me any that I hav'nt tried already....But I have just for some reason been sitting here playing a game on the PC, when my Daughter pops into my head....a burden I have carried for over 8 years now, yes I have a Daughter, she is 8 years old and lives in the USA with her Mother ( thats the polite term I shall use )....and it all started when...

Internet romances, they happen don't they, well Rebecca is a living proof that it works, it also is about to show how suckered in I got with this situation.

I met Jamie Price ( Yes that is a girl ), on the internet in a chatroom when I was 20, we chatted for ages ( weeks, months ) and we had feelings for eachother, we phoned eachother alot ( big phone bills )...eventually she decided she would come over to the UK and see me and stay as long as she could ( Which is 6 months on her Passport ). This happened, I was a happy bunny, the happiest I had been in a looooong time. We hit it off as if we had known each other for years.....well lets cut the story short - zoom forward 3 months, we find out she was pregnant, I was ecstatic because all I ever wanted was to be a Daddy....had been working with Children in a playworker and even a Youth working assistant for the best part of 6 years at that point....

Moving forward....We decide it's best for her to return to USA and get passport and working Visa sorted out so she can come back to live here in the UK and so that the baby would be born here to be a UK Citizen...

Fair enough I hear you say....

Well yes, everything went fine, she got on a plane and flew off home, and I cried my heart out that day....and missed her every day, phoned her every day for updates.....this did drag on a bit, I even asked for the British Embassy number so I could contact them....she gave a phone number.....oh yes, for a Pizza house in America...."Strange, thats the number that I call when I phone the embassy".....Well, it never worked for me, why did alarm bells not ring at that point I still ask myself today!!

So to cut some more time out of the story, she was due to have our baby in Decemeber, it was no November and despite her telling me her Mom was going to pay for me to go over to be with her, nothing happened.....I waited....and waited....finally my Mom who was widowed when I was just 17 years old put the money up for me to go to America to be with her to see my Daughter born.....GREAT!

So off on an adventure I went, America, the south of America - Louisianna to be exact, great place, friendly folk there too. They met me at the airport and we headed off to what I would be calling home for the next 3 months....Well, it was'nt the Ritz, it was'nt even a house.....it was a Trailer.....big one, but a little in need of repair in places lets just say.....

So, spin on to the end of November, skip past the sweltering heat and the horrible midgie bites etc....December 7th Arrived and the Doctors decided to bring her in to stay at the hospital as baby was due any day soon....great hospital, enough space for another bed which Partners can sleep there, which I did.....

Spinning on, my Daughter was born at 9.38 pm on December the 9th and I was there for the entire thing, never regret that ever....

So after a couple of weeks of being housebound due to too hot for baby to go outside, I start to get the plan together to get moving on the UK trip, only had until February to get sorted....we had the letter written and were on the way to the post office to post it, when she says "Why don't you go look at the PC games and stuff while I post this".....Again, alarm bells should be blowing my head off, but they did'nt.....

Lets spin past when I had to go home and leave my daughter at the airport with her Mother, promising it would only be a couple of weeks until I see them again...

Spin forward......Phone calls again, every day, whats the situation, I managed to get the Embassy on the phone this time from home and gave them a case number ( Which she had given to me ), and they said they could'nt find the application on the system.....Alarm bells should now be so loud the country should be shaking....but me being me, was suckered in AGAIN.....maybe they misplaced it I think to myself...

Then the worst happens.....

She phones me and says "Great news, I have a flight booked for August 17th, we're coming to be with you"....

Spin to August 17th......

Phone call "We have been delayed on the tarmac, we have a shuttle bus taking us to a hotel, picking us up in the morning"........

Fair enough, think I.....Mom phones to find out whats going on ( as she was going to take me to pick them up ).......she phones me back within 10 mins and drops the bombshell "I hate to tell you this, but there is no Plane due to land at that time or has there been any delayed flights from Baton Rouge air port"......

Oh........My........God! *Panic* what, why? what did I do wrong?.....

Spin on 3 weeks.....*phone call* "I'm sorry" was the voice I heard......"What the hell have you done?" I asked....."there was no plane, or delay, or anything, you lied, where were you when you phoned me???"

Get this....."At a friends house"...

Spin on 8 Years........How much contact do I have - NONE
How many times have I emailed asking for photos - LOTS
How many photos have I been sent in the last 7 years? - NONE

No letters, no photos, nothing.....I may as well not exist....

Do I feel used? - oh yeah....
Do I feel resent? - only towards her Mother, who tried to blame me for everything
Do I want to see her? - Of course, I would jump at the chance...
Do I know where she is living now? - No
Is there anyone I can contact to find out - No
Do I miss her? - Every day.......

Thanks for listening, I had to haul it off my chest....

HEEEEREEEES, RICHIE!!!!

Yes, I am BACK!!!, after a long absense the madman is finally unleashed back among the blogging world!!! So I hope you all had a fantastic Chrimbo and a drunken new years, I was pissed as a walrus on Whiskey Chasers....even though I was actually drinking Vodka and cokes....Hmmmm, never a good idea, especially mixing them with Rum alchopops...Ok so what were the casualties of such a night....well, when you look in a mirror and don't like what looks back at you....the mirror shatters via a swift punch to it's pane of reflection....one casualty....Casualty number 2, a nice glass covered picture in the bathroom, one swift punch to the center of the pane, and BOOM! no more picture glass...well, with the exception of the bits in my knuckles.....I guess what I am trying to say is....I am traveling that dark road again with very little light that lights the way...each path is scary and undiscovered to me and I am now on a stronger sedative like Anti Depressant issued by doctor death...ok ok, the GP :) still, I am on such a spiral of a rollercoaster when it comes to my emotions right now...friends help alot, but they can't be round me all the time can they?...

Anyway, I am trying so hard to get better, I hate this Dark side of myself so much but he refuses to leave, oh damn you, damn you damn you to hell, let the light return!!!....

My little boy is doing really well, still a really proud Daddy, but I worry that I might harm him....My partner is so supportive, and I love her to bits, but she should'nt have to put up with all this.....

I will do my best to keep you all posted much more regular than I did before, my Radio show is now 24/7 so go tune in, just completed show number 48, so it's going very well, it's the time when I feel like my old self again...Rob is still a great help being there, the men in white coats would have trouble putting up with me lol

Still thats it from me now, I shall speak again soon....wish me luck on my voyage to recovery...

Rich